Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
