I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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