just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
