My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just puked most of my soul out..
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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