I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
