Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
