I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
