I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
