I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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