I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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