Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
