Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
and you fell through a lawn chair
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
