my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
