problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
