and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I need to stop coming to work sober
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
