i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
