every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
