32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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