It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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