imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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