Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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