I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
