Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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