Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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