when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
