Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official drugs can't kill me
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize