Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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