So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
