Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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