You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
