why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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