I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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