so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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