im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
