i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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