was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
