Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
