my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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