Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
