Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
