So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
