Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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