can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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