I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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