Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
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PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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