I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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