apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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