I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
