You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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