woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
