I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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