Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
