1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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