You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
